Most of us know that arguing, particularly with those we love, can be stressful, debilitating, and even destructive.  But inevitably, even in the best of relationships, we argue.  Some people might argue (pun intended) that they don’t argue, they just “discuss”; and that is definitely a more productive path to take when we don’t see eye to eye.  Other people say they never argue, they just “disagree”; it’s certainly possible to act like we’re not arguing when we differ.   But I think that most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, admit that we argue, and when we disagree with someone and bury it, it can be just as destructive as a real argument.  So how do we argue in a way that deepens, rather than damages, a relationship?

The Kinds of Arguments

                Since arguments range from disagreeing on petty, repetitive kinds of issues to important, life-changing issues, and everything in between, I thought I’d use a personal example where I think the method, tone, language choice, candor and sincerity were critical to having successful outcomes.  A big issue in my own life was when my husband and I decided on how much we wanted to spend on a new home when we moved back to California back in 1990.  Even though we had agreed that we could afford a more expensive home, we didn’t want to be “house-poor.”  Unfortunately I found a realtor who kept showing me lovely homes above our price range, and I loved a couple of them so much that I tried to persuade Jerry to change his mind.  We did argue, and then he reminded me of our agreement, and how and why we had reached it.  I stopped arguing.  Then Jerry saw an ad for new townhomes in the area, and even though I was leery of attached dwellings, we looked.  And we found a lovely new townhome on our own, and lived there for ten years.  Without realizing it, Jerry used some valuable strategies that got us back on track.

How to Argue

                Here are questions you can ask yourself (and be better prepared than we were at the time!) when an argument erupts:

                How important is this relationship to me?  In my case, my husband is very important to me, and I had to ask myself whether continuing this argument and violating our agreement was worth it?

                How important was the issue?  Jerry and I have always been aware of the dangers of debt, and we both grew up in modest homes.  Limiting our debt and risk were very important to both of us.  We both also think it’s important to honor our agreements, unless there is a good reason to re-visit them.

                Do we know each other’s perspectives fully?  Since we had talked extensively about the commitment of buying a home, we each knew where the other stood.  My desires to spend more money were frivolous and selfish, and didn’t honor our agreement.

                Which person’s perspective “makes sense” under the current conditions?  Duh!

                A favorite Zen question is-- what are the right time, the right person, right place and right amount?  It was clear that with the prices of homes in California, in our situation, wanting to be near the ocean, and not be house-poor, the townhome was the best decision.

What’s This Got to do with Spiritual Practice    

There are many other factors that are helpful in an argument, far too many to cover in this brief newsletter.  The more important question you might be asking is, “Those things are all well and good, but what happens when we are upset in the heat of the argument??”  That’s where spiritual practice, particularly meditation, comes in.  Our practice can give us a sense of well-being in the midst of conflict, compassion for the other person, an ability to witness our own behavior and motivation (and that of the other person), and allow us to be open and present to what is occurring.  Are there better reasons to practice than these?