People who live in spirit often have ideas about the meaning of “letting go of ego.”  I think there are some misunderstandings about what ego is and what it means to let it go.  I’d like to share my understanding and my recent personal experience with the nature of ego, and how I’m continuing to learn about working with it.

You Must Have an Ego to Let it Go

                Ego is not something that is bad.  In fact, to be psychologically healthy, we need to have an ego.  Otherwise, we would not be able to function.  So in one sense, ego is something that is a part of us, and it helps us interact with our world. I don’t personally know anyone who has completely gotten rid of his or her ego.  I do know people, though, who have learned to work from a healthy ego. So is there something to get rid of?

Healthy and Unhealthy Ego

                To understand more about how ego functions in our lives, it helps to understand the difference between a healthy and unhealthy ego.  A healthy ego helps us function in the world in a way that allows us to be happy, productive human beings.  It helps us develop relationships, hold our jobs, fulfill our personal missions, make wise decisions, as well as a myriad of other things.  We get into trouble when we function from our ego in unhealthy ways.  A key way of describing an unhealthy act is when we unnecessarily cause our own suffering and the suffering of others.  For example, I’m sometimes triggered by a political comment that a person makes.  At that moment, I have a choice of how to respond.  I can choose to hold in my reaction (and become angry and frustrated).  I can lash out at the person and be condescending or critical; this is a classic example of allowing my ego to determine my counterproductive, even hurtful reaction.  (Remember, when I hurt the other person, I’m also hurting myself and our relationship.)   Or I can be curious and ask sincere and balanced questions to get clarification, and even share how my opinion is different, without necessarily making the other person wrong; as long as I’m doing this with the relationship in mind, this can be a healthy response.  Or I can choose to think about my response as well as the meaning of what the person said; this action allows me additional, time, too, to think over the “right action,” one that will be helpful and won’t cause suffering. So many choices!  How in the world do I even have time to evaluate my choices, never mind follow them with a clear and compassionate action??

Training the Brain

                One of the best ways for me to train my mind is through meditation, which has provided me with additional focus, attention and mindfulness.  Meditation doesn’t get rid of my ego; it does give me more choices about responding cooperatively in triggering situations.  When the unhealthy side of my ego is in charge, I can act unconsciously out of anger, annoyance or even feeling vulnerable.  The results are almost never positive.  Over the years, I’m getting better about noticing when the false self or unhealthy ego is acting up; my meditation practice has literally altered my brain to be more conscious of what is occurring in my mind and body, and cautions me to respond with care and consideration.

Some Things to Try

How about the practice of managing your ego for a month?   Recently I acted in a hurtful way to someone I care about when I was triggered, so I am using triggering as an opportunity to practice.  Normally we brush off our triggered reactions (we all have lots of little triggers everyday), but I’m  trying to make use of a trigger as an opportunity to breathe, noticing where I’m feeling the trigger in my body, and asking myself about responding:  is a response necessary? Should I respond at all?  How can I respond in a caring way?  Ask a question?  Ask for clarification?  Acknowledge my confusion or discomfort?  One of the most valuable aspects of this practice is that it builds my “mindfulness muscles,” thereby developing my ability to act from a healthy ego.  Rather than responding to being triggered in a hurtful way, I can do it in a healthy way.  When I act in this way, I avoid causing suffering and reinforce and deepen my relationship to myself and others.