Everything in life has a label, a name.  It would be impossible to live without these labels.  Calling a desk a lamp or a chair a table would make no sense.  So labeling things is a part of life, and helps create a sense of order and familiarity with our surroundings and with people.  We give our children and pets names, too and sometimes we create nicknames of fondness and familiarity.

             At times, however, my labels can get in the way of my relationship to life and my connections with people in ways I may not even realize.  So I’m going to talk about a certain kind of labeling and explore how labeling can create barriers and cause suffering for others.

 Labeling People

            When I consider how I label people, I might think about the nature of the labels, themselves.  For example, I may have a friend who is smart, funny, thorough, and conscientious.  If I look at the nature of these words, I recognize that they are not neutral words; coming from me, they are positive or complimentary.  I may also describe my friend as very anxious and overly concerned with details; from my perspective, these words, if not criticisms, are not flattering.

             In fact, if I look at the nature of labeling people, these labels are almost never “objective”; they reflect my points of view about what are positive or negative attributes.  The “positive” attributes are things that I like and respect about people; the “negative” attributes are descriptors that I don’t like, appreciate or respect.  And when I look at them even more closely, these labels tell me more about myself than the other person.

 What Labels say about Me

            When I label a person “smart,” for example, I may be seeing a reflection of something I like about myself.  (We could argue another time about whether I’m smart or not!)  Or that person’s “smartness” is something I see positively and a quality to which I aspire or an area where I would like to grow.  If I label a person as “very anxious,” I see that attribute as negative, or certainly as a limitation to her happiness.  Her anxiety may also, however, be a reflection of a part of me, a shadow aspect, that is also extremely anxious, and which I am unable to recognize in myself and therefore criticize in the other.

            I could also ask myself how I benefit from labeling the person at all.  Even in identifying     unhelpful qualities, who benefits?  If I’m honest with myself, I might notice that I’m the one who gains something by labeling the other.  In terms of the positive qualities, I might be elevating myself or the other, and those who are not as smart are “less” than we are.  Or the qualities might be so admirable that I can’t imagine being like that, thereby limiting my opportunity to develop in that manner.  When I talk about the person’s negative qualities, I have the opportunity to say, “but I’m not like that,” or at some level, “I’m less anxious (more confident, composed, together) than he is.  So I am once again elevating myself.  In whatever way I label a person, I am limiting that person to those attributes and preventing myself from seeing the whole person as he or she is.

 How Labeling Hurts Me and the Other

            I think sometimes the most limiting part of labeling others is that we might be guilty of pigeonholing them.  At some level we are not allowing them to act counter to the labels we’ve given them.  For instance, I sometimes receive feedback that I seem to be a “together” person.  When I have that self-image, I feel a real burden sometimes to reinforce people’s perceptions.  Over time, however, I have found that there is enormous freedom in screwing up!  Rather than be embarrassed, I realize that my mistakes remind people that who I am is not consistent or immutable; I also recognize that my errors remind me that I don’t have to be perfect, and that realization is very liberating.

            The same thing can happen when I label others; I may be allowing them little space to be other than their labels, and in fact, in some ways I am limiting their opportunities to grow and to be free.  So how do I encourage a person’s freedom to be most truly and deeply who they are?

 Stop Labeling?!

            There’s not a chance that I will ever stop labeling myself or others!  But I’ve worked to become more aware of my temptation to label things, the limitations of labeling, and even my opportunities to learn from it.  And if I hold lightly those labels I give to myself or others, I give us all more freedom to learn, grow and be most truly who we are.