How many times a day do you notice people “doing things the wrong way”?  It happens to me all the time!  From the way people bag my groceries to how drivers go under the speed limit in the fast lane, it can be maddening!  It’s especially difficult and frustrating when you notice this “lack” in someone close to you.  How many times should you have to tell them how to do things right??

 

You might be picking up the irony in my tone, and if you don’t see it, you might want to consider what’s going on when people do things differently from the way you do them, and you have a strong reaction.  Most of the time, my reaction isn’t about how smart they are in what they’re doing, but instead I begin making the person’s action wrong and therefore I make them wrong.  If we are making ourselves right and others wrong in everyday life, we are limiting our own openness and creativity and causing disharmony and frustration for ourselves and others.

 

What the “Right Way” Looks Like

            I thought of one area where I get stuck on “right way” and that is when my husband Jerry and I cook together.  I used to spend a lot of time telling him the “right way” to chop, peel, sauté, and how much time was needed.  He was pretty receptive early on, and is a darn good cook now.  But now that he knows something about it, he’s finding his own creative way of doing some things.  And, of course, he’s doing them “wrong.”  And even worse, he gets annoyed with me when I comment on how he’s doing things!  What I finally realized was that all kinds of things were probably going on:  I was attached to doing things my way; I wanted to reinforce my cooking superiority and make him less a cook than I was.  I was concerned about things turning out wrong.  The list (or excuses) goes on and on.   I finally figured out that since Jerry and I get along so well, it might be worthwhile to look into my reactions to his efforts.

   

Sometimes the Right Way Matters

            There are times when the right way counts.  If someone is putting himself in danger, it matters.  If the repercussions will be widespread, it matters.  But most of the time, I think it really doesn’t matter.

 

What’s Going On

            All kinds of psychological reasons might be at play when we have a strong reaction to how people are doing things.  Although your reasons might be different from mine, they’re worth looking into.  Why am I nagging this person?  Why is this so important to me?  In the scheme of things, does the way I do things or the way he or she does things really matter?

 

When You’re on the Receiving End

            You can also look at this issue if you are the one being told to “do things right.”  Jerry likes to rinse off all the dishes thoroughly before he puts them in the dishwasher.  With all the improvements in dishwasher technology, he still thinks that the dishwasher doesn’t remove all the food, and it’s primarily for “sterilizing; of course, I think minimal rinsing is required.    I can have endless discussions with him about this topic, and I sometimes ask that he fill the dishwasher (which he is perfectly willing to do).  Or I can simply rinse off the dishes thoroughly and load them in.  If this decision seems unreasonable to you, and you don’t think you’d be willing to clean up the dishes this way, it might be fun for you to look into your reasons.  (Most of the time we hand wash our dishes unless we have company for dinner.)

 

Why It Matters

            These issues are fascinating and helpful to look into.  When we insist on having our way, we cause separation and distance between ourselves and those we care about.  Of course, if someone makes demanding requests frequently, that’s a different concern.  But from day to day, ask yourself, “Does the right way/my way really matter?”  And my hope is that you will discover that the right way doesn’t really matter in the area of loving relationships.  When you love the person, can you let the “right way” go?