Life can be rolling along smoothly, with no problems in sight.  Then all of a sudden—BOOM!!  Our lives of equanimity crumble; we are stunned, devastated, paralyzed, angry and at a loss about what to do.  As we suffer through our experience, we may ask ourselves, “Where’s my equanimity during this awful time?  Isn’t my spiritual practice supposed to help me get through this period?”

 

            When something difficult happens in our lives, what is the role of our spiritual practice?  Does it really help us through the tough times, or can we only expect to feel peace when praying, meditating or in the moment of practicing?  In this issue I’ll talk about “when the wheels come off”:  when we are left desolate, lost or wounded.  What can happen to us and what role can our spiritual practice play?

 

Which Experiences?

            Everyone has different ways that they experience the “wheels coming off.”  It could be something that most people would describe as a major loss, such as a divorce, financial problems, loss of a job, death of a loved one, a car accident, and numerous other experiences.  Since we all treasure different things in our lives, however, your losses may seem big to you, but not to others; or others may experience difficulties that would not disturb you.  So you are the one who gets to decide what is big or small—no one else.

 

            I remember some years ago when a friend of mine had surgery. Following the surgery, I visited her in the hospital.  There was no doubt about it:  she had colon cancer.  We held hands as the tears ran down our faces.  Fear, loss, confusion and pain swarmed around as I tried to grasp this truth.  During the subsequent weeks and months we kept in touch; I visited her, and one day kept her company during a painful round of chemotherapy.  More than anything, I was in awe of her courage and determination; all she was asking me to do was to be present for her.  In defiance of the odds, she survived and is alive and thriving today.

 

Fully Experiencing our Experience   

            In reflecting on that time with my friend, I experienced every emotion possible with deep intensity:  fear of possibly losing her, anger at the suffering she endured, helplessness, admiration, confusion.  At times I was so overwhelmed that I was numb and paralyzed.  I’ve also thought of the times when we laughed together, talked frankly about her condition, and just sat through sadness.  And the one thing we were both acutely aware of, separately and when we were together, was the presence of spirit, surrounding and holding us continually.  During all these years of our friendship, spirit has been an ever-present energy.  Sometimes it intensifies our pain; sometimes it provides solace, or courage or understanding.  Sometimes it makes us laugh, sit in wonder, and experience gratitude.  It suspends time, or lets it pass nearly unnoticed.  

 

            So when you ask your practice to give you equanimity, you might ask yourself what you’re really asking for.  Equanimity doesn’t mean that you will have a steady state of calmness when bad things happen.  It also doesn’t mean that you won’t feel pain or sorrow.  You may feel moments of equanimity during difficult times, but to be truly human, you have to open to whatever is occurring.  That is the role of spiritual practice when the wheels come off.  It tills the field of your soul and allows you to open fully to your experience, to feel the depth of your pain, fear, and confusion.  It lets you completely fall apart, and hold and embrace all of your experience, allowing life to unfold, and to flow with whatever occurs.  And when all seems to be lost, spirit can remind you that your life includes everything, however it surprises, wounds or nurtures you.