I’m often surprised at how often almost all of us make assumptions about others:  that we know their thoughts, feelings, motivations and goals.  Frequently we don’t check out our assumptions; we’re simply used to making them, particularly with those people whom we’re close to.  Making assumptions, however, is not always a healthy habit.  It can cause strains, misunderstandings, disappointments and confusion.  For these reasons and more, making assumptions impacts our spiritual lives.  I’m going to explore the reasons we might make assumptions, how we might become more conscious about alternatives to making assumptions about others, and how that helps us live a life of spirit.

 

            An example of my struggling with my own tendency to make assumptions is a friendship I’ve had for several years.  Occasionally I used to ask a friend to have dinner with me.  She almost always accepted, and we would have a lovely time, but over the years I realized that although I invited her to dinner, she never reciprocated.  I found that after extending many invitations over the years, I became resentful of being the only one making the offer.  At one point I decided not to invite her anymore, and waited to see if she would ask me.  She never did.  Now it’s important to point out that we saw each other regularly in group situations, but rarely did the two of us visit alone.  After spending time shifting between “what’s wrong with me,” and then over to “what’s wrong with her,” I reflected on what I knew about her life.  She was extremely busy, often overwhelmed, and she occasionally commented on how her work and responsibilities prevented her from doing things she loved, including seeing close friends.  Although she was warm and friendly toward me, she was also very private, and I realized that although we liked and cared about each other, we weren’t really close friends.  I could have asked her the reasons she didn’t invite me out to dinner, but finally realized that it truly didn’t matter.  No matter how I asked the question, I knew it likely (an assumption, I realize) wouldn’t change the relationship or if it did, might damage it—all because of my need to be confirm that I was valued, important, and loved.  Once I let go of my expectations, or needing to know “why,” I grew to appreciate her even more, just as she was.

 

            So why do we make assumptions about others’ motivations, thoughts and feelings?  One reason is that it’s a habit, it’s easy and we assume we know what others think, especially those we’re very close to.  Some of these assumptions may be close to the mark, and they can be relatively harmless, too.  Other times we don’t want to check out our assumptions because we are afraid—afraid to be wrong, afraid to look stupid, afraid to be rejected, afraid to make the person angry—the list goes on.  As I check out my assumptions more and more, and when I do it from a place of curiosity and caring, I’ve found people to be very responsive—and frequently find out that my assumptions are incorrect!  Very often the person is also glad to have the opportunity to clarify, and almost always our exchange is positive and supportive.

 

            How can we use checking out assumptions as a way to develop spiritually?  We can remind ourselves to come from a place of kindness and curiosity.  We can be humbled by the knowledge that we don’t always “know,” that mystery is all around us, particularly within our relationships.  We can use these moments as a way to build trust, to better understand the other person, and to take risks.  When we take these steps, we learn that checking our assumptions is a way to open to the other, to learn what’s true for the other, to better know what it means to be intimate.  And yes, these ARE assumptions I’m making!  I hope you discover they are true for you, too.