I love most of the things I do to embrace a life of spirit.  But I also know that when it comes to spiritual practice, there are things, quite frankly that I don’t like to do, and that I choose not to do.  I have all kinds of reasons to justify what I do and don’t do, and it’s so interesting for me to think, now and then, about what I like to do, yet how I choose to do everything but that.

 

            It’s certainly true that I don’t have to do everything imaginable to be a good Zen Buddhist or even to be a Zen practitioner, period.  But in my heart I know that there are things I don’t practice because they just seem too hard or unpleasant.  For example, I’ve never done a retreat on my own, not even a short one.  Figuring out how I could sit by myself for even a half-day seems impossible to do by myself.  I just know I’d get sleepy, bored and decide there was something else I just had to do.  I’d forget to turn off the telephone and if it rang, well, I’d have to answer it.  Besides, I meditate every day, lighting incense and chanting and praying for the health and wellbeing of others.  Plus I go to week-long meditation retreats four times per year!  The list of excuses goes on and on.  And the truth is that up until now I’ve just simply not wanted to do it.  In other words, I’ve been willing to do everything but that.

 

            Does it matter that I’m not doing short retreats by myself?  Since I have a pretty solid practice, it may not matter.  What’s far more interesting is to look at my thought process—the desire to do it, the desire to not do it, the need I feel sometimes to explain my decision to myself not to do it, and the excuses I create to justify my indecision.  Underneath my excuses, however, are much more intriguing reasons:  perhaps I fear I will fail to complete the retreat if I try it; perhaps I’m afraid of the unknown or what I may learn about myself; and certainly I may have other things I’d rather be doing at that particular time.

 

            When it comes to your spiritual practice, do you have your own everything but that?  How do you think about it?  How do you explain it?  Is it possible that it’s not important for you to do that?  Do you have valid reasons for not doing it?  Is there a way you could do it that would make it less difficult or less overwhelming?  Do you think you need to do it to be a superior spiritual person?  For those of us committed to a spiritual life, however we define it, these are interesting questions to ask ourselves.  I don’t think we necessarily have to try things that demand more of us than we are prepared to try or that are not well timed in our lives, but it’s interesting to notice our practices and aspirations and what gets in our way.

 

            So you might think about your own everything but that, especially if you haven’t noticed it before.  You may decide to identify it and contemplate it, or maybe you’ll decide to simply let it go.  For my part, I think I’m going to think about having my own private short retreat.  If I do, I’ll let you know how it goes!