At times I feel the winds of illness

            have made a barren landscape of my life.

I can no longer see mountains to be climbed in the distance.

But then I look around me and

            I realize that I am soaring above the mountains.

They look so small from my new perspective.

            --Judith Garrett Garrison and Scott Shepherd

 

 

I’m a recovering perfectionist.  After many years, I can say that with a sense of humor rather than with self-criticism.  Sometimes life calls me to do things meticulously and carefully; this manner of living allows me to produce quality work and be respected by others.

 

Perfectionism, however, goes beyond doing things well.  Perfection demands that I literally do everything perfectly.  It requires a high level of self-centeredness and vigilance.  It also requires me to make sure that everyone knows I’m a perfectionist, too, so that anything I do is beyond criticism or questioning.  In other words, perfectionism requires me to put myself above others and to set standards that are impossible to meet all the time.  Living this way dominated every action I took and every relationship that I had.

 

Over time, I began to realize that perfectionism, when indulged as a life practice, was preventing me from developing intimate relationships.  I was so busy being perfect and convincing everyone around me that I was perfect that I was often overwhelmed with anxiety.  At some level I was fearful of being found out, of others realizing that underneath my self-confident exterior I was vulnerable, frightened and lonely.  So the barriers between me and the rest of the world grew and became more and more impenetrable as the years went by.

 

Not only did I demand a lot of myself, but I expected everyone to appreciate my perfectionism and to practice it with the same level of commitment.  When others were less than perfect, not only did I criticize them, but I took their “carelessness” personally; if they performed poorly, it had to be a reflection on me or how they felt about me.  Needless to say, others didn’t appreciate my “high standards” and how I judged their actions.

 

When I began to meditate, however, chinks began to appear in my perfectionism.  I felt a softening in my protectionism, a longing for connection with others, a desire to free myself from the restrictions that perfectionism required.  I began to make mistakes more often (or at least it seemed like I did).  As I made mistakes, I found that most people didn’t care or laughed them off or forgave me.  (Most of my mistakes, of course, were minor, even though they seemed huge to me.)  As my meditation practice developed, I was able to watch my own thinking patterns about perfectionism, my dismay at my goofs, and my embarrassment.  I began to realize that I was extremely uncomfortable when I felt embarrassed, and realized that I often became defensive to protect myself.  Soon I was able to catch myself in the moment of my embarrassment, and realized I had a choice of either becoming defensive or realizing how silly I felt and let myself respond playfully and with humor.  As time passed, I felt more joy and connection with everyone and everything.  My isolation began to dissolve, and I felt the spirit of the universe dwelling in many moments of my life.

 

Nevertheless, I have come to realize that I will always be a perfectionist.  I learned this approach to life very early, and it will always be with me to some degree.  I have learned that working with perfectionism is a part of my spiritual practice, and I keep learning all the time how to work with it and appreciate what it teaches me.  I’ve learned the difference between perfection and high standards.  I have learned that everyone makes mistakes, and my mistakes allow others to see my humanity and vulnerability; their seeing who I am allows them the opportunity to appreciate me and care for me.  I have learned a great deal about forgiveness:  forgiving myself for being so hard on myself and on others.  I have learned compassion toward myself and toward others in my life.  I now understand more about the difference between punishing others and holding them accountable.  I do a better job of weighing whether a mistake is significant or unimportant, and how I should respond to it.

 

As a result, and perhaps more importantly, I have learned to celebrate how Life allows me to love, learn and grow.  What a blessing perfectionism has been in my life!