The Practice of Curiosity

Listening is only powerful and effective if it is authentic.  Authenticity means that you are listening because you are curious and because you care, not just because you are supposed to.  The issue, then, is this:  Are you curious?  Do you care?—Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen,  Difficult Conversations:  How to Discuss What Matters Most

 

    We all have our ideas and opinions about what we think is good or bad, right or wrong, acceptable or not, and we’re certain that those who think otherwise are obviously foolish, misguided or naïve.  Sometimes we can hold these opinions and beliefs lightly; other times we’re willing to fight for them.  But when we look into these ideas more carefully, and if we look honestly and openly, we realize that we may have little data to support them; we just know they’re right.  When we hold too tightly to our ideas, we not only become rigid and inflexible, but we keep ourselves from being curious about what others think.  If we allow ourselves to be curious, however, we have many opportunities to invite the divine mystery into our relationships, encouraging compassion, empathy and generosity.

 

    What does it mean to be curious and how does curiosity benefit you and others?  Curiosity naturally creates an expansiveness and openness.  It allows for possibilities, for something new to be seeded and to grow.   Recently I was discussing a charged issue with a new friend of mine.  I knew he was passionate about his beliefs which were very different from mine.  I was touched, delighted and amazed to see how receptive and curious he was to learn and understand my perspective.  Rather than either of us trying to convince the other about who was right and who was wrong, we desired engaging and deepening our relationship through exploring, figuring out and even appreciating what we both had to say.  I was also deeply touched at not only his willingness to talk, but at his ability to listen and ask questions about my views in a non-threatening and genuine way.

 

    Curiosity also asks you to let go of “being right” with others.   So many of your disagreements probably center on your convincing someone else that you have the right or best or soundest idea, which of course means that you need to make the other person wrong.  You might find it even more difficult to acknowledge that part of your arguing with others, at some level, is about showing that you are smarter or superior.  It may be hard for you to acknowledge that in your efforts to show how knowledgeable you are, you must discount and denigrate the other.  There is no room for spirit when your ego gets its way.

 

    As a result of letting go of “being right,” you may feel uncomfortable.  Along with the expansiveness that you’re starting to experience, you start to realize that you are allowing yourself to be available to the input of others; unfortunately, the availability feels more like vulnerability—you’re exposing yourself to new, even threatening ideas.  The beliefs that you’ve held dearly no longer feel rock solid, but rather more permeable or open to influence.  From a spiritual perspective—opening to all that is—you are opening to the moment and all that it offers.  But from a very human perspective, your curiosity calls you to explore, to evaluate, and entertain new ways of looking at the world.  Intellectually this may sound wonderful, but your psyche will probably be screaming for protection and calling for battle!

 

    An outcome of curiosity is that you may experience a shift in your reality; you begin to realize that other people are not only just like you—struggling to make sense of the world, wrestling to make meaning of life—but from a universal perspective those people are you.  You recognize the divine energy in them is the same divine energy in yourself.  With that kinship, you realize that they have something precious to offer you—an opportunity to learn and grow and go deeper in your relationship with them, developing trust and connection.  Ultimately, curiosity not only nurtures your own expansiveness, but it can encourage openness in the other, which will support you to open and share more willingly.  The divine energy flows freely in this exchange of people being willing to go deeply with each other through the simple but powerful act—of curiosity.