Patience

Traveling by train in India is full of rich lessons.  The trains go slowly, express or not, and we moved at a prehistoric pace, the countryside creeping by, palm tree by palm tree, until I wanted to open the window and scream.  But then something began to shift.  Rather than resist the slowness and count the minutes, I told myself a little story. “This trip is going to go on forever,” I said inwardly. “This present moment will never end.  I’ve been on this train my entire life, and will never, ever, get off.  Now what?”—Ram Dass, Still Here: Embracing Aging, Changing and Dying, p. 143

I’ve been discussing the six paramitas of Buddhism this year, as an opportunity for all of us to reflect on universal principles of spirituality and explore how we might make them more present in our lives.  The third paramita in this exploration is patience.

Patience is a virtue with which most of us struggle.  In a world driven by speed, whether we’re rushing in our cars, hurrying through the grocery store or getting through a workout as quickly as we can, patience is not at the top of our priority list.  And yet, even within our hurriedness we can rediscover patience and allow it to permeate and positively influence our busy lives.

I often laugh at myself when I’m impatient in a grocery store, when (usually) a woman in front of me is completely absorbed in looking at a product and has completely blocked my path.  I watch my impatience intensify as I wait to see if the person even notices me, or whether I need to point out what is so obvious to me—that she is fully absorbed in her shopping and hasn’t even seen me!  Finally, the moment is resolved when the woman feels the intensity of my stare and apologetically moves her cart; or I speak up and say “excuse me” and often get a mumbled apology; or I simply go around her.  What is interesting about my impatience is that when I am conscious enough to notice, I realize that I am guilty of the same unconsciousness all the time.  When I remember that I am that woman, I simply do what the situation calls for without frustration or impatience.  I simply look at the person, who is acting just like me, say “excuse me,” and engage her in a smile.

We can be impatient with others for all kinds of reasons:  we’re running late, we like to do things quickly, we are involved in an unpleasant task, and the list goes on.  What’s helpful for me to remember is that my impatience rarely has anything to do with the other person, but primarily reflects what I’m feeling in the moment.  Who’s responsible for my impatience if I’m running late, love to do things quickly or am completing an unpleasant task?  If in the moment of my impatience with another person I can remember that my impatience is about me, and not about the other, I can actually connect with the other person with a smile (as I recognize myself in him or her), re-center, and take the next step.

A more pernicious type of impatience is the impatience I have with myself.  I went through a period a couple of months ago where I seemed to be forgetting lots of things—nothing terribly important, but it was happening a lot.  At first I was very impatient with myself, blaming myself for not paying better attention, for not writing myself reminders, and for being careless.  One day I realized that being impatient with myself was not going to solve the problem, particularly since it was only increasing my distress over my forgetfulness.  So I finally realized that underneath my impatience was anxiety, wondering if something physical was going on, worrying whether my memory lapses were temporary or if something more serious was happening.  I decided that when I forgot things, I would simply acknowledge them, notice my anxiety and (when necessary) apologize to anyone affected.  After a couple more weeks, I realized that the forgetful period had passed, and was probably caused by a particularly stressful period.  Forgetfulness came and went just like other experiences in our lives often do.

Patience allows us to observe and fully appreciate our lives.  It provides us with the opportunity to notice those things we often miss, to listen to those things we seldom hear, and to relate to others in more intimate ways.  Patience has been a great teacher for me.  It reminds me that I am happier and healthier when I am kind to myself and others.  It reminds me to slow down, and when I can’t reduce my busyness, to find the Source within me that allows me to be present and awake in my life.   

In addition to her spiritual practices, Susan R. Quinn of the Quinn Company has been an independent consultant and trainer since 1978.  She specializes in facilitation of problem solving for teams and groups in conflict.  She is certified to train using the DiSC Personal Profile System.  Her other best-received training programs are “Dealing with Difficult People,”  “Managing Conflict,” and “Learning to Live in the Eye of the Hurricane.”  She also offers values clarification workshops and strategic planning services in partnership with her husband, Jerry.  To subscribe to her business ezine, go to www.thequinncompany.com.  You can reach Susan at the Quinn Company, 246 Via Presa, San Clemente, CA  92672, (949) 366-5890, or email susan@thedeepestspirituallife.com.