Not Knowing is the Most Intimate

To live in the present, we must believe deeply that what is most important is the here and the now.  We are constantly distracted by things that have happened in the past or that might happen in the future.  It is not easy to remain focused on the present.  Our mind is hard to master and keeps pulling us away from the moment.—Here and Now:  Living in the Spirit, Henri J. M. Nouwen

    Over the last few years I have been working with Zen koans, which are parables, statements or stories.  I meditate on the koan to reach a deep understanding of it, present my understanding to the teacher, and my teacher lets me know if I have reached that understanding.  My favorite koan is called, “Not Knowing is the Most Intimate.”  I love this koan because it calls me to explore all my concepts and beliefs about wanting to know everything about my life, present and future, so that I can feel safe and in control.

    Years ago I remember times of uncertainty when I would say, “Now if I just knew how everything was going to turn out, I’d relax.”  But of course that wish was not only impossible, it was also unlikely that the knowledge of my future would give me peace.

    So what does “not knowing” really mean?  It means that we not only can’t know our future, but we are unable to even predict what will happen in the next moment!  And of course we do our best to prepare for the future so that we don’t have to worry about failure, disappointment and surprises.  But if we explore this (often unconscious) desire fully, we realize that it can’t really be attained.

    “Not knowing” means much more than not being able to predict or control the future.  It means opening up to each moment and awakening to what it offers us.  We can learn to be compassionate with ourselves when we realize how hard we’ve worked to try to avoid repeating our mistakes, or forgive ourselves when we become frightened because we can’t control our future.  Not knowing means that whatever happens in this moment, at one level, is simply our precious lives unfolding, and we can teach ourselves to appreciate whatever takes place.  And when a few moments pass and we realize we were not conscious, but preoccupied in those moments, and they passed unnoticed, we can note our reaction (annoyance, anxiety) and accept that wherever we were in those moments, those places are our lives, too.

    So “not knowing” means opening up without judgment, whenever we can, to that which is, in its fullness and its limitations, its brightness and darkness in the unfolding of our lives.  We learn to appreciate that “not knowing” allows us to celebrate the mysterious, open to the unexpected and embrace the ordinary.  When “not knowing,” we begin to enjoy both the everyday-ness and unpredictability of our lives.  Since we can’t possibly know what each moment will present, we can watch life unfold with wonder and humility.

    The koan not only talks about “not knowing,” but says, “Not knowing is the most intimate.”  We may not realize that many times when we feel alone or separate, we are feeling estranged from ourselves.  We feel like we are strangers to our own lives, puzzled by the path that life has taken, and helpless to understand its nature.  This experience results in our seeing ourselves as separate from this very life that is unfolding.  It is as if there is a life, and somehow we have been captured and imprisoned by it, and everything and everyone around us feels foreign.  If, however, we been to deeply understand, that our life is not separate or alien from us, but rather  that this body, these thoughts, this spirit, is life itself, we realize that we are this life, this unpredictable, spontaneous, unexpected life.  When we open to this rich understanding, we truly recognize that not knowing what will unfold prepares us to feel that we are every word, thought, prayer, surprise, encounter, disappointment and celebration in our life.  And we are always one, never separate, from it.

In addition to her spiritual practices, Susan R. Quinn of the Quinn Company has been an independent consultant and trainer since 1978.  She specializes in facilitation of problem solving for teams and groups in conflict.  She is certified to train using the DiSC Personal Profile System.  Her other best-received training programs are “Dealing with Difficult People,”  “Managing Conflict,” and “Learning to Live in the Eye of the Hurricane.”  She also offers values clarification workshops and strategic planning services in partnership with her husband, Jerry.  To subscribe to her business ezine, go to www.thequinncompany.com.  You can reach Susan at the Quinn Company, 246 Via Presa, San Clemente, CA  92672, (949) 366-5890, or email susan@thedeepestspirituallife.com.