Wisdom grows out of our clear seeing in each moment.  Seeing the arising and passing of our experience and how we relate to it.  It arises through our gentle and careful inquiry in the workings of the body and mind and through an open inquiry into how this body and mind relate to the whole world around us.  For insight to develop, this spirit of observation and deep questioning must be kept in the forefront.  We can collect and quiet the mind, but then we must observe, examine, see its way and its laws.

--Seeking the Heart of Wisdom, Joseph Goldstein & Jack Kornfield

     When we practice deeply in our spiritual lives, the barriers that we’ve built around ourselves begin to dissolve, and our relationships to our world and to others often deepen.  Paradoxically, however, we can run into what seem like indestructible obstacles to opening up, and they can often puzzle and frustrate us.  Over the last few months, I’ve found myself struggling as I’ve been experiencing major transitions in my life.  I recognized that my struggle was normal, at least to some degree, but I also noticed that an unexpected uneasiness accompanied the changes that were occurring.  Recently my Zen teacher talked to me about behavior that I was showing that was uncharacteristic of me.  I was surprised, in one respect, that I was acting as she described (which looked like resistance, annoyance, frustration); at another level, however, her description confirmed my uneasiness that something was going on within me, and she and I began discussing what I was experiencing.

     With the help of my teacher, the answer showed itself.  Driving home from my Zen community one Monday night, I remembered an incident from my childhood that I’d been thinking about lately.  At about the age of 10, I was in a swim class, and the instructor asked for a volunteer to help her demonstrate a lifesaving technique.  I volunteered.  She asked me to struggle as she tried to “save” me, and as I struggled, she held my head under water.  I panicked and struggled more, to no avail.  I was sure I was going to die, and something told me to “give up.”  Once I stopped struggling, she allowed me to surface.  Needless to say, the event had a major impact on me in areas of trust, control, and fear.  What I didn’t realize until that Monday night driving home was that I’d never looked at one aspect of that incident:  I had volunteered for it.  To the ten year old in me, I had volunteered to do something with someone I trusted, and I nearly died.  Clearly, volunteering was a very dangerous thing to do.

     The light bulb went on.  For the last ten years I have been an active volunteer in my Zen community.  Those activities had probably challenged me psychologically, but I ignored the signs.  Then I became active in another spiritual community called the Forge, a trans-traditional organization for spiritual leaders and teachers.  More volunteering.  And then I volunteered to be a director of a new Forge program that could eventually become a part-time job.  And I think I went into “volunteer overload”—not because there was too much to do, but because emotionally I felt enormously threatened.

Superficially, this story sounds only like a psychological one.  From a spiritual perspective, however, the original story and the way I worked with it goes much deeper.  When we are struggling in our lives, our initial reaction may be to withdraw, close off, and protect ourselves.  That can mean abandoning those we love, and retreating from spirit.

     But if we are lucky, we begin to realize that spirit offers us many opportunities.  Although my particular belief system does not include direct answers to prayers, I often find myself praying for strength, wisdom, compassion for myself and others, and the tenacity to wrestle with the difficult issues of my life.  In working with the story above, I appealed to my trust and faith in the Unknown to help me stay available and open; to be curious and less afraid and to be receptive to whatever learning presented itself.  Although the learning has presented another challenge to me, in that I will want to work with my fear of making myself available to others (through volunteering and other ways), I welcome that challenge because I know that the resources of Presence are always available and inexhaustible.  That knowledge brings me courage and the desire to go ever deeper.

In addition to her spiritual practices, Susan R. Quinn of the Quinn Company has been an independent consultant and trainer since 1978.  She specializes in facilitation of problem solving for teams and groups in conflict.  She is certified to train using the DiSC Personal Profile System.  Her other best-received training programs are “Dealing with Difficult People,”  “Managing Conflict,” and “Learning to Live in the Eye of the Hurricane.”  She also offers values clarification workshops and strategic planning services in partnership with her husband, Jerry.  To subscribe to her business ezine, go to www.thequinncompany.com.  You can reach Susan at the Quinn Company, 246 Via Presa, San Clemente, CA  92672, (949) 366-5890, or email susan@thedeepestspirituallife.com.