“In a council held at Buffalo in 1805, Sagoyewatha, a Seneca Indian chief, is reported to have asked a missionary, ‘Brother, if there is but one way to worship and serve the Great Spirit, if there is but one religion, why do you white people differ so much about it?’”  Living Wisdom:  Vedanta in the West, edited by Pravrajika Vrajaprana

Practicing Alone

    Practicing our spiritual paths with others can be a gift.  When we find ourselves traveling that path alone, or with a significant other who practices in a different discipline or faith, we sometimes find ourselves conflicted.  What should we do when someone we’re close to doesn’t pursue a spiritual life or practices another faith?  Exploring this question can expand the richness of our path and deepen our experience of wisdom and compassion.

    In my case, my husband doesn’t practice spiritually.  Early in my excitement about Zen Buddhism, however, I tried to sell him on Zen and get him involved.  The more I tried, the more I alienated him.  Fortunately I realized the harm I was doing in our relationship, and I decided to work with my expectations through my meditation practice and Zen beliefs:  how I might cause the suffering of myself and my husband; how holding on to my hope that he will change hurts our relationship; how this suffering can affect our lives in many ways; and how the nature of spiritual practice and my life are constantly changing, and there is no way to know what really lies ahead.  Slowly I began to realize that I was teaching him a lot about spiritual practice by my commitment to sitting meditation, and by the positive changes I was experiencing in the softening of my attitudes, behaviors and interactions with him and others.

    I talked about my desire to at least let him know what was going on with my practice and my sangha (my Zen community), so that it didn’t seem so foreign and mysterious.  We discussed and agreed that if I was sharing too much information or if I appeared to be “selling him” on Zen, that he would gently let me know, and I would modify my behavior.  Now and then I would check in with him on how he felt about my sharing, and whether it felt like the “right amount.”  I would also tell him at times, particularly when I saw a couple practicing a faith together, that I found myself envying them a bit for what they shared; I also made it clear, however, that my envy was my problem to address, not my husband’s.  After about three years, my Zen community had a beach party for members and their families, and my husband came with me.  Once he had a chance to meet my sensei (not in black robes but in shorts and sandals) and several of the other members, he began to realize that the community was not as strange as he thought.  In over ten years he still has not shown an interest in participating in Zen, but he has picked up on many of the Zen ideas, has supported me in important transitions of my practice, and never complains about the times I spend in meditation retreats.  I’m enormously lucky, because by meeting my husband “where he was,” keeping open the paths of communication, and welcoming his questions and input, my spiritual life has deepened, and he has become another teacher for me by stimulating my learning through his questions.  Our marriage is richer as well.

    What if you are involved with someone of a different faith?  Assuming that you don’t have the conflicts to work out about how children will be raised, many of the same premises apply.  Ask yourself:  Do you think there is more than one path to the transcendent or universal?  Are you genuinely curious and do you ask about the other person’s ideas and beliefs?  Can you discuss differences in faith in an open and inquiring way, without condemning the other?  Are you willing to have these discussions without any expectations of changing the other person’s mind or his or her ways?  Are you willing to “practice alone” (which can mean practicing with a community, but alone when you are at home)?  Can you find spirit in your solitary time, and manifest your growth in a loving, curious and engaging way with someone who experiences spirit differently?  Can you appreciate and respect your differences with someone else, and not disparage the other’s path?  Can you empathize in realizing that these differences are not only awkward for you, but for the other person, too? If you are willing to take this approach to another person when you realize that you are practicing alone, you will paradoxically find that you are not practicing alone.  You will discover that when you practice, whether you are contemplating, meditating, praying, chanting, journaling or singing, that Presence is never apart from you.  You will know that you never practice alone.

In addition to her spiritual practices, Susan R. Quinn of the Quinn Company has been an independent consultant and trainer since 1978.  She specializes in facilitation of problem solving for teams and groups in conflict.  She is certified to train using the DiSC Personal Profile System.  Her other best-received training programs are “Dealing with Difficult People,”  “Managing Conflict,” and “Learning to Live in the Eye of the Hurricane.”  She also offers values clarification workshops and strategic planning services in partnership with her husband, Jerry.  To subscribe to her business ezine, go to www.thequinncompany.com.  You can reach Susan at the Quinn Company, 246 Via Presa, San Clemente, CA  92672, (949) 366-5890, or email susan@thedeepestspirituallife.com.