Nurturing Compassion for Yourself

Our tendency when we acknowledge qualities in ourselves like fear of suffering or loss of control may be to judge ourselves.  Found selfish, uncaring, impatient, unworthy…we’re embarrassed and uncomfortable at the recognition of our “weakness.”  We have not taken to heart the example of the biblical Paul, who said, “my strength is made perfect through weakness.”  Yet this turns out to be the case in our effort to care for others.  Acknowledging our weakness can soften our defensiveness.  We’re not so busy protecting ourselves all the time.  We’re much more likely to be there for anyone who is wrestling with his or her own sense of weakness, unworthiness, or fear.  We’ll hear each other.  To acknowledge our humanness, with its mixture of empathy and fear, strengthens our helping hand.—from Ram Dass’ How Can I Help?

     Much of my spiritual practice over the last few years has nurtured my ability to experience and demonstrate compassion for others.  In a sense, though, I’ve discovered that my desire to be more compassionate has been limited by my reluctance to show compassion for myself.  I tend to be perfectionistic, overly responsible, and unforgiving of myself when I’m forgetful or careless.  Lately life has quieted down, and especially during these periods I find it difficult to find the balance between relaxing and being attentive to all the everyday demands of life.  So I make mistakes or am absent-minded.  And I notice how unforgiving I am of myself in those states of mind (or no mind!)  But when I refuse to experience compassion for myself, I lessen my ability to be truly open to the suffering of others and be available to help.

    When we want to deepen our compassion for others, we must learn to cultivate compassion for ourselves.  For a long time, I thought that I was the only person who was hard on myself, constantly noticing careless moments and mistakes.  Over time I’ve discovered that many people, based on their history, beliefs and values have some areas of perfectionism, and struggle with self-acceptance, too.  Rarely do I find good and compassionate people who are genuinely and completely self-accepting of who they are, their strengths and limitations, and their implicit wholeness.

    So those of us who want to nurture our ability to be compassionate with others need to ask ourselves:  how compassionate are we with ourselves?  Do we acknowledge and learn from our mistakes and move on, or do we beat up on ourselves endlessly, apologize profusely for small mistakes, obsess about our actions that were counterproductive or unintentionally hurtful, letting embarrassment and self-criticism eat at our hearts and suffocate our compassion for ourselves?  If we can’t be compassionate with ourselves, though, how can we cultivate our compassion and make ourselves available for others?

    Now it’s important to differentiate between nurturing compassion and being narcissistic or making excuses to others and ourselves when we repeatedly don’t follow through due to lack of attention, pre-occupation with other concerns or simple forgetfulness.  Cultivating compassion in ourselves is not a selfish act, but it is a self-centered act; it is a movement toward understanding our selves as whole, but imperfect, human beings.  It is an act of self-acceptance, appreciation of and willingness to comfort ourselves in the midst of disappointment or failed expectations of ourselves and others.  The willingness to accept who we are and at the same time aspire to be more attentive to life provides the soil for feeding our spirit and our relationships with everyone else.

    We also need to be careful that we don’t beat up on ourselves for not being compassionate with ourselves!  If we notice our intolerance for our lack of intolerance, we just need to notice and acknowledge that this is what’s going on, and allow ourselves to love that part of ourselves that is desperate for perfection.  If we judge our judging, we get ourselves into an endless spiral of self-rejection and suffering.

    It seems we are challenged to strike a balance—a balance between self-acceptance and self-assessment.  I’ve found that I mostly desire to perform perfectly because I want to be loved and accepted; I figure if I’m always responsible and do what I promise, that others will have no reason to reject or dislike me (which is not necessarily true).  So when I make a mistake, I try to notice what I am experiencing (and I’m not always conscious enough to do this immediately).  Usually I am experiencing both embarrassment and fear—embarrassment that I have acted in ways (or not acted) that have negative consequences, and I fear that I will be rejected for what I’ve done (or not done).  If I’m willing to allow myself those moments of fully experiencing fear and embarrassment as they arise (and they always do as I re-visit the situation in my mind), and let go of the thoughts and simply experience the emotions (a difficult but rewarding practice), the emotions lose their energy.  Gradually, as the emotions around the situation dissipate, the emotional charge of the situation does, too.  As I see the situation with less judgment and more forgiveness for myself, I create room for cultivating compassion for that part of me that desires love and acceptance, and therefore nurture my ability to be compassionate and loving with others.

    The next time you are hard on yourself, remind yourself that cultivating compassion “starts at home”; these are the actions that bring us closer to the holy and exemplify loving kindness for ourselves—and others.

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In addition to her spiritual practices, Susan R. Quinn of the Quinn Company has been an independent consultant and trainer since 1978.  She specializes in facilitation of problem solving for teams and groups in conflict.  She is certified to train using the DiSC Personal Profile System.  Her other best-received training programs are “Dealing with Difficult People,”  “Managing Conflict,” and “Learning to Live in the Eye of the Hurricane.”  She also offers values clarification workshops, and strategic planning services in partnership with her husband, Jerry.  You can reach Susan at the Quinn Company, 246 Via Presa, San Clemente, CA  92672, (949) 366-5890, or email susanquinn@earthlink.net.