Most of us have been taught that anger is a “bad thing”—right?  We know we hurt ourselves and others when we are angry.  But based on recent discussions with my new teacher, I’ve discovered a new appreciation of anger, how it teaches me, and the ways it can liberate me, too.

Working with Anger

                Anger is a fascinating emotion.  I think it is easy for some people to be addicted to it, because when we are angry, we feel powerful and in control (even though we are rarely either one).  I began learning about anger many years ago. First, I learned that anger is a secondary emotion, one we unconsciously shift to, in order to avoid a more uncomfortable emotion such as hurt or disappointment.  In many Buddhist practices, anger is also described as a “destructive emotion,” because we can cause ourselves and others much pain and suffering when  we feed anger—so we are better off letting go of anger or even avoiding it.  In both of these cases, however, we are missing an opportunity to explore our anger fully, and to learn from it.  For example, when we allow ourselves to fully experience anger, without the thoughts that empower it, and without venting it on others, we are free to just be angry.  I’ve found that without the mind streams to feed it, anger dissipates.

                In my experience with anger, I’ve also discovered that even though I try to “let it go,” I don’t always let it go, certainly not all at once.  The anger only goes underground and leaks out in unconscious ways.  I think this leaking occurs because I haven’t allowed myself to fully experience and explore this emotion that is calling to be noticed.

After Anger

                So when the anger dissipates, then what?  I’ve discovered that depending on my life circumstances, there can be layers of other emotions.  For example, recently I found that I was being flip or sarcastic with people I love and care about.  (In these cases, these reactions were forms of anger.)  I realized that there were some key issues that seemed to be activating my anger:  my husband’s lung condition; my aunt’s Alzheimer and my uncle’s struggle to take care of her; and other difficult aspects of my life.  But when I allowed myself to fully experience my anger (without thinking of the source of the anger) I realized that these situations were not the cause of my anger!  I was angry because I was helpless to change these situations.  Of course, I take steps to help the people who are having difficulty, but I could not make these situations go away.  I suddenly realized that I was not angry at any of these people or their circumstances, but angry at being helpless!  What an amazing discovery!  I have always despised feeling helpless or like a victim—no wonder I was angry!  Of course, to work through my helplessness and begin to let it go, I needed to allow myself to fully experience helplessness.  Another way to explore these feelings was to submit to them, and let them work their way through me.  As you can imagine, I feel very uneasy about allowing submission or helplessness to arise, but my practice has taught me that these experiences, like every experience, are impermanent and empty of any fixed-ness.  My resistance to them comes out of my description of them as “unpleasant,” but they can’t be stuffed away or avoided without detrimental effects.

Why Now and Then What?

                So why am I going through anger and helplessness and submission at this time?  I think it is because I am working with a new effort of meditating with Joshu’s Mu, a Zen koan.  Mu shakes loose barriers, reservations and stuck places.  It scratches at old wounds, hurts and limitations.  It is also incredibly liberating, because it is non-discriminating:  everything is subject to its persistent friction, massaging and penetration, and frees me from my own constrictions.  As I begin to realize that mu isn’t working on me, but I am mu working on mu, more becomes revealed, understood and treasured.  I begin to enjoy life and everything it has to offer.  And then what?  Then I can just follow my path, live my life-- Susan being Susan, Susan being mu, just mu being mu.